Ha Giang: Venturing off the Lonely Planet Trail

Bali in the 1970s. Cinque Terre in the early 2000s. Austin before the first long-board-riding-Los-Angelite made their way over (cough go away damnit cough). All locations that once existed as mere footnotes in the bible-following words of the Lonely Planet, yet now, are literally unavoidable when traveling within their nearby radius. Places that created such awe and amazement for those that were lucky enough to visit their originally unspoiled grounds, the only realistic future (if you are a non-sarcastic optimist such as myself) was that of a capitalistic-tainted, watered-down version of their prior self. An inevitable, and unfortunate realization one must accept in a world of limited beauty, and unlimited access to its terrain.

Due to the imminent demise of these "lost paradises," a sense of pride seems to be earned whenever one graces their initial presence. Whether warranted or not, authentic or arrogant, the gratification for which is sought, is almost a religion in itself for those ordained to a life of travel. Untouched Paradise. Secret Oasis. Off-The-Beaten-Path. All desires and dreams of your everyday world traveler, yet all keywords in a Google search that are more than likely to result in finding oneself ON-the-beaten-path, and surrounded by dozens of other equally-disappointed adventure-seekers. However, and yes, I say however, if one is lucky enough to be an internet-searcher-extraordinaire (an official "other skills" on my latest resume), these soon-to-be-lost lands do still exist, and with a bit of leg-work, can result in an experience of a lifetime.

After weeks of narrowing down our list from recently-opened-to-tourists-but-still-a-b*tch-to-get-around Burma, Bali-but-not-like-Bali-bastard-offspring, and other hit-and-miss sounding places, we stumbled upon a little known province in the far north of Vietnam - Ha Giang. Despite being represented by a mere 1/2 paragraph in the latest Lonely Planet, and only 10 listings for accommodation on Trip Advisor (in comparison, Bali has over 10,000), the 3-4 semi-detailed, adjective-filled blogs discovered in our search provided just enough alure to push Ha Giang to the top of our list. Jaw-dropping landscapes, incomparable vistas, and a culture just opening its arms to the hearts of those from the "West." Add 4-days spent on a motobike, and consider us me us sold!

The first step of our journey into the relatively unexplored was the ever-important step of learning how to pronounce the name of our desired destination (an issue we have come across with approximately 99% of SE Asian destinations visited thus far). As everytime we asked a travel agent, hotel clerk or random intelligent-looking person on the street, furrowed-brows would stare back at us in confusion. Ha-Gee-Ang? Ha-Gang? Ha-Gong? Ha-Gung? After going through almost a dozen variations, the answer to our stumbling attempts were finally answered -- "ohhhh, Ha-ZAHN!" Ah yes, Ha-Zahn, it was so obvious! How could we be so ignorant not to assume Gi = Z?

After mastering the verbal dictation of Ha Giang aka Ha-Zahn, the next step in our search involved finding a way to navigate the supposed 8-hour, 175 mile journey from Hanoi (yes, that would be an average neck-breaking speed of 22MPH). Despite multiple bus companies serving the route, the only bits of detailed information we were able to uncover from countless searches were in Vietnamese, and from what appeared to be 15 years prior. Nonetheless, luck was on our side in the form of a front desk hotel worker named Daisy.

Alike many of the Vietnamese people we had met so far, the innate desire to be as friendly/helpful as humanly possible led Daisy to play hero for us for the day. After ringing the unresponsive-to-English bus company as to determine potential departure times, she also took the 30-40 minute journey out to the station (alongside her husband and newborn daughter) to hand-hold us through, what she described (and we experienced), the unnavigatable. To say we were out-of-place is an understatement, as what would normally be touts flocking to us as to empty our pockets of money, were instead curious locals inquiring as to why those of "non-Asian descent" had ventured into this part of town.

Two bus tickets in hand, and eight curvy/bumpy hours later, eyes droopy from the impossible task of attempting any semblance of sleep as our Red Bull amped driver honked incessantly throughout the night and Vietnamese iPhone's blared with static-filled music, we arrived in Ha Giang. Dropped off in the pitch black of night, with the yell of "you, get off here" (a very reassuring way to be escorted off a vehicle when one has absolutely no idea where they are), we found a surprisingly-unsketchy-by-the-hour hotel to catch a few more z's, before locating the man we had been told to contact back in Hanoi -- Johnny Nam Tram. Resembling a younger Ho Chi Minh (for the 99% of you with no clue as to who this man may be -- or what he looks like -- I recommend a fancy tool called "Google"), Johnny was overly helpful in not only orienting us to the region through which we would be traveling, but most importantly, providing us with the motobike on which we would be navigating the next 4 days.

Onto the trip:

The Route:

Day 1 = Ha Giang - Quan Ba (45km, 3 ass-numbing/motobike-spent hours)
Day 2 = Quan Ba - Yen Minh - Dong Van (100km, 7 A-N/M-S hours)
Day 3 = Dong Van - Meo Vac - Yen Minh - Quan Ba (125km, 8 A-N/M-S hours)
Day 4 = Quan Ba - Ha Giang (45km, 2 A-N/M-S hours)

The Equipment:

• 110 CC Honda Motobike - Light-enough to glide over pot-holes, powerful enough to climb thousands of feet in elevation in the matter of minutes, and agile enough to avoid every Paperboy-inspired obstacle thrown our way (i.e. cars, running children, break-dancing children, barking animals (of the dog nature), lawnmowers, men with jack-hammers, tornadoes, fire hydrants, the Grim Reaper, and the ever-impossible-to-avoid storm drain -- Sorry to those who stare blankly at this reference)
• Map - Imagine a roadmap from New York to Los Angeles comprising about 2-3 squiggly lines with an arrow pointed towards Chicago, and a "Marriott" written somewhere in the middle, and that would be the amount of detail we were provided for our route around the Ha Giang province. Luckily for us, any half-ass attempt at pronouncing towns (multiple times with multiple annunciations) would typically lead one in the correct direction.
• Go Pro - The perfect inconspicuous tool for capturing the scenes of the road without shoving a camera in the face of unsuspecting locals - Pre-edited video here

The Typical Day:

• 7:30AM - Wake up, complain about whatever ailment hurts from hours spent on the bike the day prior - Typically the ass and whatever body part did not receive sufficient sunblock won the award
• 8:00AM - Breakfast -- Options = Pho with beef, Pho without beef or maybe some Pho with the presence of beef TBD if you are feeling a little adventurous that day
• 8:30AM - 12:00PM - Motobiking through unbelievable/breathtaking/other-adjective landscapes, responding "hello" to literally every child in the region who have mastered the most important English word for introductions, attempting to take "sneak-attack" photos of tribal women as they glare back with a face that screams "this ain't my first rodeo buddy," and of course resting every 20 minutes for the sake of "ass-easement" (in addition to letting the bike cool down as countless mountain pass roads did a number on our wheezy engine)
• 12:00PM - Lunch -- Options = Fried rice w/dog or fried rice w/out dog (I can pretty much assure you it wasn't a cow they put in front of us) - PETA (and Kerby for that matter) would be very proud of our choice
• 12:30PM - 3:00PM -- More of what happened between 8:30AM and 12:00PM - But now it's a little hotter.
• 3:00PM - Hotel/Guesthouse search -- As most cities only had a handful, this was a pretty easy task. And not to worry, we were always the ONLY guests, yet for whatever reason, guaranteed to have the furthest room from the lobby
• 6:00PM - Dinner -- Options = Entire chicken chopped into bits, soy-sauce-covered rice, and "mystery" vegetables. Requesting water typically involves a can of Red Bull shown to you in response. As above, we are always the ONLY diners.
• 7:00PM - Return to hotel to watch episode of Friday Night Lights - Oh that Tim Riggins is such a dreamer
• 8:00PM - HBO movie of the night - More on this below
• 10:00PM - Double duvet - It's not a choice, it's a lifestyle

The Highlights:

• Scenery, Scenery, Scenery - I promise the photos do no justice. At one point, Julie asked why I had stopped at a "boring" aka anywhere-else-in-the-world-this-would-be-amazing viewpoint, as it did not compare to those seen earlier in the day. This would happen every 5 minutes for the next 4 days
• Death Avoidance - As our 2-way, 1 1/2 lane road (aka 1 lane in any non-3rd world country) was shared by countless over-loaded trucks, we frequently were forced to "sideswipe" their presence, occasionally ducking beneath side-mirrors and of course avoiding the 4,000 foot plummet off the shoulder to our side. Thankfully they would blare their horns at us during these tense moments of "attention requirement" as to test our maneuvering skills
• The Kids - A great reminder about how enjoyable life can be in the pre-iPad world (social debate commence!) -- My favorite "game" involved throwing a flip flop at an old bottle of water, and then running in a circle until the flip flop was retrieved. As stated previously, hello was by far the most popular word heard during our trip (typically in screamed, sing-songy fashion)
• Hotel Amenities - Despite being, moreorless, in the middle of nowhere, every guesthouse came with working wifi, air-conditioning, hot water, and of course full satellite TV boasting HBO (Seabiscuit during night #2 was definitely a tear-jerker)
• Communication - Since "hello" was basically the extent of everyone's vocabulary, every request/question/response involved a miniature game of charades. Asking for the bathroom was usually the most entertaining (attempts to pull down pants, squat)

After four days traveling around the breathtaking landscapes of the "unbeaten path," Julie and I returned back to "civilization" (aka 2+ words of English), ready for our continuation down the coast of Vietnam.

Onto the impossible-to-narrow-down pics:

	Enjoying a moment of solitude prior to 8 hours of Vietnamese techno music through crackled iPhone speakers, and unrelenting "horn hooting practice"
	Commecing our 300KM journey around the Ha Giang Province - Luckily we only discovered how to use the photo feature of our Go Pro after the 299th kilometer - Thus, I leave with you a splendid "screen grab" of us motobiking away
	Taking a little break for the sake of asses/engines
	Our first taste of the adjective-filled scenery
	Ending our shortened Day 1 in Quan Ba - Home to "fairy bosoms" (their saying, not mine)
	Welcome to the "non-beaten path"
	White people eating in restaurant = Immediate attention from every local child
	Reaction to the shot above
	Back on our 2-wheeled chariot
	If the one-day road to Pai was 762 turns, I can't even imagine how many we experienced during our 4 day jaunt
	The trusty, every-single-KM signposts
	Arriving into the remote town of Dong Van - A village to which tribal women hike hundreds of miles to sell authentic goods every Sunday (and to which we obviously arrived on Monday)
	This intense game of Checkers would eventually have the whole town intrigued (as an hour later almost 30 people were paying witness)
	Dinner rolling on through
	Your typical restaurant "menu" - One option, take it or walk down the road to find the exact same thing
	Love me some rice paddy fields
	Colorful "leftovers" from the Sunday market
	I am officially opening this photo up for a "caption contest" for the little boys reaction towards me
	The 22KM stretch between Dong Van and Meo Vas has to be the most amazing scenery I've ever seen in my life
	Life, I tell you, life
	So inspiring, I am going to sit here while Julie takes photos of me
	As our bike refused to make it over the pass, we decided to give it, and ourselves, a little nap
	Typical road-side scene
	Another high-resolution Go Pro selfie
	Determined cat trying to steal some uneaten chicken feet left on our plates
	Final sunset and farewell to those voluptuous fairy bosoms

Hanoi: A Stomach Rumbling Welcome to Vietnam

Arriving into Vietnam after a quick one-hour flight over from Luang Prabang, our 3 days in Hanoi were spent primarily counting the number of times Julie could visit the toilet in a 24 hour period. As a bit of Laos-originated food poisoning had decided to bless her bowels (luckily only the single-exit variety), the dutiful husband I am spent most of our 72 hours in Vietnam's chaotic capital running between pharmacies in search of prescription-free medicine (yay for 3rd world laxness), bringing bowls of Pho back to the room, and moreorless attempting to will Julie back to health (typically involved staring at her intently, and asking "are you better yet?" - 39th time is the charm!).

While some sights/activities/partially-eaten meals were able to be enjoyed, our limited time in Hanoi was an opportunity to begin to soak in the culture by which we would be surrounded over the next 3 weeks. A culture that seems so unique, it will most likely see its own post in the coming weeks. For the time being, however, there is no point in attempting to verbalize the joys Julie experienced on her road to recovery.

Thus, onto the pics:

	Spending as much time as possible in our $25/night "honeymoon suite"
	If you are going to have food poisoning, may as well spend it within the luxurious confines of a modern commode
	Enjoying a casual stroll around Hoan Kiem Lake in the heart of Hanoi's Old Quarter
	Every road in Hanoi is based on the goods it sells -- This road obviously specialized in shoes
	And this road, in "authentic" North Face apparel - We snagged a nice little day pack for Julie for the all-inclusive price of $7
	Visiting the "Women's Museum" - A surprisingly impressive collection of the badassness of Vietnamese women
	One of several Vietnam War propaganda posters
	Or if you prefer, an entire store dedicated to these nationalistic works of art
	The War Museum, aka "Hanoi Hilton" - A home-away-from-home "prison" for hundreds of American soldiers during the war
	The Family Room
	The uniform of their most famous resident - John McCain
	Life was apparently none too rough in this easy going establishment
	Back out on the streets at a typical Vietnamese intersection - No lights or stop signs, just the general willingness to drive straight regardless of obstacles in your path
	Little Miss Vietnam
	Enjoying a $0.25 "Bia Hoi" in the smallest chair humanly possible
	First meal out of the hotel room for Julie in 3 days - Bun Cha - Twas deelish
	Partaking in an evening "Water Puppet Show"
	Cozy to say the least
	Fairly entertaining show depicting life within Vietnam - This act involved dancing in water
	Or walk across the road, and watch a little dancing BY the water (see what I did there?)
	Or if you prefer, join a hilariously-uncoordinated 10PM exercise class

Bowling With Bob: A Typical Night Out in Laos

With our final night in Luang Prabang upon us, we decided to celebrate our farewell to Laos with a standard Laotian cultural evening activity of 10-frame bowling, yes, bowling. Joined by our two Kiwi friends (i.e. New Zealander for those of you unfamiliar with Bret & Jemaine), we embarked to the infamous Luang Prabang bowling alley, known throughout the city as the "after-hours bar", as every other alcohol-serving institution shuts their doors at 11PM on the dot.

After an initial 56 under my belt -- a fairly easy score to obtain when 6 frames are required to break a score of 5 -- I was slowly warming up to the slightly uneven terrain of our lane (since apparently Laos standards require multiple dips and curves, and an overall veer to the left in their bowling alleys). Julie, seemingly unable to break 100 on well-designed lanes, obviously bowled one of the best games of her life. But all of these details are naught, as the true purpose of this post is the story of the man named Bob.

Despite enjoying the majority of the bowling alley to ourselves, as the nightly 11PM-onslaught of backpackers was still several hours away, we were soon joined by approximately 1 dozen of the drunkest Laotians in Luang Prabang. Stumbling into the alley with grins across all their faces, we were immediately approached by one of the most inebriated of them all - A man who referred to himself as Bob. For the next 60 minutes, we enjoyed the repetitive occurrence as follows:

1. Bob bowls gutter ball, turns to us, laughs hysterically
2. Bob bowls 2nd gutter ball, laughs further, walks over to us, shakes someone's hand (he was not discriminatory in this regard), asks one of four questions:

- What's your name? (This one eventually faded away after about 5-6 identical answers)
- How you know Laos? (Translation = How did you hear about Laos?)
- Texas? Texas BIG state! (not really a question, but the look in his eye after such a statement implied an answer was required - to which we would say, "yes, Texas IS a big state."
- How you... know Laos? (technically same as 1st question, but with greater pause)

3. Bob's friends call him as his turn to bowl is up
4. Repeat steps 1-3 for next 9 frames (per game that is)

As Bob continued to drink a nice combination of whiskey chased by beer, he somehow not only became more eloquent, but also seemed to be doing better on the lanes as well (at one point I believe he had 4 off-balance strikes in a row). Nonetheless, after each and every bowl, we slowly were able to piece more and more information together about, what we can only describe as, the happiest drunk in the world.

To summarize - Bob lives in Knoxville, Tennessee, has 3 children, they travel to Laos every year, his children don't like Laos since it is too hot, Bob moved to Knoxville from Laos when he was 10, he loves Elvis Presley, he loves buying people beer (especially those of the "whiter complexion"), he also loves spilling said beer all over their table with a hilariously apologetic grin on his face. Oh yes, and finally, Bob is a "mechanic" (i.e. paints Nissans at a dealership).

After about an hour or so or learning the high-level details of Bob's life, and he learning the same 4 questions of ours, his "bowling/drinking bell curve" finally caught up with him, as once-strikes were now replaced by countless gutter balls. As his friends, who had apparently turned into world-class bowlers since stumbling into the alley only an hour ago, decided to banish Bob to the sidelines, he joined us for the remainder of the evening, continuing to repeat his 3-4 questions again and again. And while some would find such an "interaction" somewhat annoying or obtrusive, the drunken happiness of Bob was all we needed to make our night one for the ages.

Onto the pics:

	The abandoned-til-11PM-everynight Luang Prabang bowling alley
	Us and the Kiwis ready for some world class bowling action
	A 7/10 split is usually pretty impossible - Add a curvy/uneven lane and the odds become slightly worse
	My attempt to capture the "wobble"
	1st Game Scorecard -- While extremely blurry, please notice player 2's initial scores of 4,5,3,1,1 - Slight learning curve for me on this lane
	Bob - The Man, the Myth, the Legend -- Drinking his way towards bowling supremecy
	Another highly-inebriated/off-balance shot that somehow results in a perfect strike
	Repeat this scene about 20 times and that would be our evening spent with Bob