Ho Chi Minh City: An Unavoidably Semi-Serious Glimpse Into the War in Vietnam

Deciding to forego yet another 18+ hour train ride along the rickety, 1,726KM Reunification Express line, we opted for a quick 1-hour, $45 flight from Danang to our final Vietnamese destination: Ho Chi Minh City. Formerly known as Saigon, and still referred to as such by those of the "get off my lawn" generation, the majority of our time in this expansive city of over 8 million residents was an eye-opening experience into that of a war through which we never lived.

Encompassing hundreds of museums, artifacts and other historical accounts of the Vietnam War, our time in HCMC was the perfect opportunity to do a bit of research into what was only previously known to our generation as "the scene where Bubba dies." After weeding through the endless array of biased/controversial articles that is only expected when reviewing such an unpopular time in world history, it took a bit of digging until we were finally able to come up with a fairly, unbiased summarization (in blatant, please take no offense if you believe differently, fashion):

1. France controls Vietnam for a long time. While baguettes & croissants are enjoyed by all, the French become pains in the arse.
2. Ho Chi Minh (the guy, not the city) hangs out with Stalin in Russia for a few years, gets his learn on about Communism, decides it's pretty cool.
3. Uncle Ho (as his friend's call him) leads Vietnam to independence. Some dudes in Geneva say "ok, that's cool and all, but we are making you two countries now - North and South." Ho takes the North as it is much prettier.
4. The US, in our "ahhhh, Communism!" phase, offers assistance (aka $$$) in building a new democracy-based government. The South of Vietnam says "sure, why not?"
5. Russia, in their "Communism, hurray!" phase, offers their own assistance (aka $$$) in building quite the opposite form of government. The North says "hecks yeah!"
6. The two sides obviously do not like one another, war ensues.
7. The world isn't the biggest fan of the war. Seen most evidently through Jenny's hippie phase when she dates that douchey activist
8. Nixon starts doing lots of sketchy things. These activities moreorless put an end to his already-unpopular cause in the far east.
9. With no more support from the US (aka $$$), the South concedes to The North (aka Communism aka Ho Chi Minh The Guy Not The City).
10. Vietnam becomes one country, tourism on hold for a while.

On a more serious note, it is quite surprising that any mention of Russia's involvement in the war is rarely, if ever, discussed. From an "outsiders" perspective, it seems brutally obvious why this war ensued (rightfully or not), as the US and Russia were quite at odds at the time in regard to the whole "spread of Communism" dispute. Yet, for those old enough to debate the war's purpose at the time, it is completely understandable why this viewpoint may not be shared so openly. It was only until recently that Russia's involvement was fully understood, as for years they remained "hidden" behind the scenes, providing money & supplies to the Vietcong, in comparison to the more-visible/more-controversial presence of troops sent over from the States. Nonetheless, a chin-scratcher indeed.

With our cliffnotes-esque knowledge in hand, we set off to the first of many war-based sites in Ho Chi Minh City - The War Museum (a fairly appropriate name based on the topics covered inside). Surrounded by US tanks, planes and other "repossessed" weapons left behind after the war, it only takes a few minutes within the museums confines to fully realize how one-sided the viewpoint truly is. With thousands of photos, 99% of them portraying the US in a fairly "unflattering" light, it becomes rather obvious why the war was so unpopular across the world. From images of American soldiers standing smiling over decapitated women, to deformed Vietnamese children suffering from the lifelong effects of Agent Orange, this is probably one museum where you should leave your American-flag-themed tanktop back at home.

It was only until our next visited site, to the Cu Chi Tunnels a few hours outside of HCMC, did we truly comprehend the entire story at hand. Led by one of the more surprising tour guides in this Communist-controlled nation - A Vietnamese-born gentleman by the name of Mr Binh/Bean, who not only fought FOR the US in the war, but also is entirely unafraid to share his potentially-treasonous viewpoints on various anti-Vietnamese topics (e.g. referring to the War Museum as "bullshit place, but go if you like being lied to"), his eye-opening stories into the war were quite incredible. With an understandable hatred for a war that not only took his life, but also his family and everything that he once knew, Mr Binh was able to provide a very interesting mix of insight in regard to the war:

Serious Insight:
While by no means a way of excusing the atrocities that occurred during this time, as many inexcusable actions did occur on part of the US, there is a rational behind the atrociousness. With the world being fed images of murdered women, children and others deemed "off limits" in any worldly conflict, what was not seen were those same "off limit" individuals, having actively volunteered to involve themselves in such a brutal campaign, firing rifles in the direction of those sent overseas to protect them. Add to that relentless heat and humidity, disease-spreading mosquitoes, and almost a complete lack of water due to the poisoning of any available source, and it is hard not to imagine how the majority of troops not only lost their minds, but eventually dehumanized the enemy against which they were never properly trained.

Not As Serious Insight:

• The ever-popular image of GI's walking through the jungle with permanently-lit cigarettes hanging from their mouths did occur, but not for the popularly-believed notion of "promoting oneself as a badass." Instead, the smoke left a trail behind their heads as they walked, helping to keep mosquitoes at bay
• The Vietnamese guerillas ability to shoot at soldiers without being seen came from their natural ability to sit in a squatted position for hours on end, balancing their weight perfectly as to avoid the powerful kickback of their rifles. The reason why, squat toilets. "Western toilets don't help balance"
• As to create untraceable hints of their paths, the Vietcong would wear their shoes backwards as to confuse their enemies of their whereabouts

Overall, as the debate over the merits of the Vietnam War will last forever, as Mr Binh's and non-Mr-Binh's provide one-sided opinions for years to come, it does not seem fair that someone such as myself, completely uninvolved at the time, could provide a respectable point of view. However, after being surrounded by both good, and bad, of what Vietnam has to offer, it is difficult to avoid sharing a few thoughts on a subject that most prefer to generally avoid, informed or not. No matter who you ask, there is little doubt that the war was a blatant attempt to stop the spread of a government system which we believed to threaten humanities way of life at the time. Whether valid or not, what we instead encountered during this questionably-purposed campaign was an enemy for which we were entirely unprepared, both tactically and more importantly, mentally.

With no prior precedent, especially in regard to the handling of "anyone that can hold a gun will probably fire a gun," improvisation and catastrophe occurred hand in hand. And while one would think a lesson should have been learned by fighting an "unwinnable war against an unpredictable enemy," the story itself seems to consistently repeat itself again and again. And unfortunately, there only seems to be one way to avoid such disastrous conflicts from occurring in the near future: Don't vote for Trump. I mean, seriously? WTF happened while we were away?

Onto the more light-hearted pics:

	Venturing into the "America is the Devil" aka "War Museum"
	One of hundreds of anti-US propaganda photos displayed throughout the museum
	Ho Chi Minh (the guy, not the city) - It may just be me, as I tend to have an eye for these things, but does he not remind you of a potential cross between Mr Myagi and Colonel Sanders?
	Mr Binh/Bean providing us a nice taste of his anti-Vietnamese sentiment at the Cu Chi Tunnels
	"Too small for fat Americans, just right for small Vietnamese" - Apparently I was raised in the wrong country
	5 minutes within these tiny cramped tunnels, 3 stories beneath the surface, is insane enough. I could not imagine 5 years...
	One of many US "artifacts" throughout the Ho Chi Minh region. And all we had to do was wait 15 minutes for the "selfie stick" crowd to climb off it as to capture the image
	The Texan in me could not pass up the chance to fire an M60 machine gun. Rick Perry would be so proud
	10 bullets at $2/bullet fired over the period of 3 seconds = $24,000 per hour rate. Well worth it in my opinion
	The motobike-filled journey back from the tunnels
	Propaganda Restaurant - Delicious food and a slight artsy taste of the Communist way of life
	Washing down the depression of two days surrounded by anti-US sentiment with some chilled beers, 40 stories above the city
	Literal monsoon making its way in over the city
	Within 30 minutes our guesthouse road went from dry to completely flooded. Quite entertaining to say the least
	Day tour to the Mekong Delta - As authentic of an Asian culture trip as visiting a Benihana in the middle of Arkansas
	The advertised highlight of our day -- "Cruising along beautiful palm trees within narrow river" -- lasted all of 5 minutes
	But hey, at least we looked the part
	What's a trip to the Mekong without having a snake wrapped around your neck?
	To say our tour guide Mister Hi (aka Mister Hello) was intense would be a slight understatement
	One of the "local musicians" seemingly overjoyed with his choice of retirement activites
	Fat Buddha = Favorite Buddha
	Not sure how to describe this one, aside from the fact that it seemed like a cool photo at the time
	After 5PM everyday, the central square would come alive. This section involved hundreds of locals playing hacky-sack with a badminton shuttlecock. Not sure we saw it fall to the ground once.
	"Exercise Alley"
	Not entirely sure which part of my body this worked out, yet it was quite entertaining

Hoi An: A Brief Guide to Custom-Made Clothing for a Custom-Sized Guy

Despite encompassing incredible architecture, a rich history, and having the majority of its confines protected by the tourist-magnet UNESCO accreditation, the ever-growing reputation of Hoi An seems to be centered around a single, unavoidable industry: Couture. Also known as "clothing" for those gentlemen who have not been coerced into a nth repeat viewing of The Devil Wears Prada (oh Anne, how could you pick the Mentalist over Vince?!), it is almost impossible to wander the tiny streets of Hoi An without running into any of the 600 tailors located within its tiny confines. Considering there are 212 Starbucks in New York City, and Hoi An has 1/70th the population, that is quite the impressive ratio (as well as overseas calculations by myself I'd like to add).

As a prior purchaser of two worn-to-death, yet amazingly-still-threaded-together dress shirts from my last trip 6 years prior, our visit to Hoi An was the perfect opportunity to refresh the wardrobe for both myself, as well as Julie. With my eye towards a mix of dress and casual shirts (since my one, yes that would be one, button-down "going-out" shirt has become impossible to de-wrinkle), and Julie looking to spice up her dress rack a tad, the only obstacle in our path (besides a limited budget), would be the question of - How the hell do we do this? Thus, I leave you with a fairly decent segue into:

A Brief Guide to Custom-Made Clothing for a Custom-Sized Guy:

1. Pick A Shop - With over 600 tailors, the majority of which are scattered within a 4-5 block radius, it is a near impossible task to distinguish one from the other. As similarly-dressed mannequins (some with heads, most without) line the storefronts of each and every clothier, a "walk-by" selection is probably going to result in a bout of heat stroke before an ultimate decision is eventually made. Furthermore, any attempt to request assistance from a restaurant-owner or hotel-worker is going to point you directly to an outfitter providing a commission right back to those who initially sent you their way. And finally, if the internet is your cup of tea for narrowing down the search, just remember that all those positive, yet poorly-spelled reviews, probably came from the tailors themselves. Thus, in the end, the only option is to cross your fingers, and hope future "unraveling" does not decimate your decision.

2. Pick Your Article of Clothing - 2-piece suits, 3-piece suits, shirts, dresses and pants of every style imaginable. Light jackets, winter jackets, work jackets. If an item can be placed on one's body, these ladies are going to do their damndest to recreate it.

3. Pick Your Style - For those such as myself, who shop with the assumption that "a dress shirt is a dress shirt," unfortunately have never had the opportunity to create one from scratch. Collar styles, button placement, cuff length, yoke style (whatever the hell that may be), pleats, plackets, pockets and countless other features which apparently serve a fashion-based purpose. The choices are endless, the options are limitless, and the decisions are simply a matter of shaking your head and deferring back to the tailor (or your lovely wife if you have one handy at the time). If that still does not help one to narrow down their decision, then there are always the endless phonebook-sized fashion catalogs from which to browse. Happy searching!

4. Pick Your Fabric - One of the easier choices with which customers are provided, is that of the type of fabric to comprise your newly-selected article of clothing. With the selection ranging from cheap/$10 (like a wool sweater wrapped in sandpaper) to average/$15 (finer sandpaper, but still likely to cause skin abrasions) to world-class-why-is-there-even-an-option/$20 fabric, the choice, in the end, is really no choice at all.

5. Pick Your Pattern - As each store is lined with thousands of different prints, patterns and other-worldly designs, I can only describe the experience as walking into a friends home, admiring their tablecloths, sheets, linens, etc, and then determining if they would suffice as an article of clothing on your person. Now, my extremely unfashionable viewpoint may be slightly biased, but for someone who procrastinates on clothes that are already "built," you can only imagine the issues that arose in my selection of these "unshaped" designs.

6. Measurements Galore - With everything picked out and ready to go, the only step required to bring it to life is that of ensuring it is "shaped" accordingly. Armed with a measuring type, a small Vietnamese lady pries and prods at every inch of one's body, noting down detailed measurements in what only appears to be illegible scribbles. Wrist, wrist to elbow, bicep, shoulder to shoulder, shoulder to waist, waist, a slightly higher waist, a slightly lower waist, on and on, notation after notation. When all is said and done, a final courtesy warning of "please don't drink too much tonight" is provided to ensure no "overnight expansion."

7. Fittings, Fittings, Fittings - Anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours later (these ladies have the nimblest of fingers), your clothing is complete, and ready for the first "body test." Loose pieces of fabric are assessed and pinned, tight pieces are chalked, and somehow an apparent change is set in motion. Complete this activity 3 times in total, and you have yourself a "custom fit."

8. Getting it Home - With options ranging from spending twice what you did on the clothes themselves to send via air (somehow a 3-week journey on the world's slowest plane), to the much less expensive, yet insanely long 3 month journey by sea (we envisioned a rowboat), the best option, in hindsight, is to ensure enough room is available in the first place to carry home your newly-created purchases. However, as that is usually not an option (I refuse to say which gender may have more of an issue in this realm), expect your clothes to have a long, painful journey prior to your eventual reunion.

As our 3-day process into the world of custom-clothing only took an hour or so out of each day, the remainder of our time was spent wandering the delightfully-charming narrow streets of Hoi An, in addition to filling our carefully-pre-measured bellies with as much delicious food as possible. As the initial obsession with $1 delicious-yet-god-can-we-please-eat-something-else bowls of Pho slowly began to lose its luster, we were quite excited to mix up our Vietnamese cuisine, and Hoi An provided unlimited such opportunities.

With every street lined with a multitude of cheap, yet amazingly-flavorful local eateries, it was simply a matter of pointing and choosing (i.e. researching food blogs indefinitely - I heart you internet) as to determine our pick of the litter for each meal. From Anthony Bourdain-recommended Banh Mi shops to a back-alley restaurant which provides hand-held demonstrations on how to "concoct" the food placed at your table, there was no shortage of unique dining experiences. In 4 days we did not find one meal which failed to exceed our expectations, and don't envision we would have if we stayed a week longer.

Onto the pics:

	A quick 14-hour sleeper train from Hanoi to our "checklist pitstop" in Hue
	The Ancient Citadel in Hue - Check, check and check
	"Tailless Merfamily" - Add this to the list of creepier statues ever witnessed - My
	Arriving into the quiet-I-won't-say-quaint-since-I've-overused-that-word-by-now town of Hoi An
	A slightly slower pace than back in Hanoi
	The Japanese Bridge - Spend more than 7 seconds crossing and you will be charged $1 for "sight-seeing"
	Another unresearched/unknown building of architectural significance (if you cannot tell, we have started to wane on "tourist attractions")
	Canali Tailors - Our home away from home for the next 3 days. Whether it was the recommendation by the Ozzy Fam from Halong Bay, or the mannequins with sawed-off heads, either way, they had us sold
	Apparently the tailor next door caters to the "alien-shaped-head" crowd
	One of our many "custom fittings" experienced on a daily basis
	As free beer was provided each time you entered the store, we were quite the frequent of visitors
	That would be $25 worth of ties - Mark that off the "never have to buy again" list
	An Bang Beach - Getting our first taste of the bath-water-temperature South China Sea
	Lazing the day away with fruity drinks and hungover backpackers
	Anthony Bourdain/Mark & Julie Soskolne-rated best Banh Mi sandwich ever
	Visiting the local market for some sneak-attack photos
	"Vegetable Lane" - I do love me some conical hats
	Thung Chai Basket Boat - Definitely one of the more inefficiently-shaped nautical vessels
	Mixing up some rice milk during our spur-of-the-moment Vietnamese cooking class
	Julie performing a masterfully-skillful flip of the Banh Xeo (aka Vietamese Pancake)
	The end products of our 4-course meal - Spring Rolls, Banh Xeo, Banh Bo and some good ole beef Pho to wrap it all up
	It only took 3 different sets of "assistants" to capture this image (the first two decided that proper "framing" of a photo did not involve the people and/or the background)
	Highly-desired "photo with white lady" by Asian tourists
	$0.50 well spent on this photo

Halong Bay: Cruising in Beautiful Bay on Beautiful Junk

Considered by many to be one of the most scenic destinations in all of Vietnam, Halong Bay, also known as the bay of the "descending dragon," is slowly becoming the #1 site in Vietnam for those of the tourist variety. Encompassing around 2,000 breathtaking, and extremely photogenic, limestone karst mountain/islands jutting out of the water as far as the eye can see (even more impressive for those with a slight tendency for nearsightedness), the majority of those who chance the visit to these waters have a multitude of options at their dispersal. From single day trips to "booze cruises" to multi-evening excursions aboard a private 2-person vessel (for those that enjoy repeating phrases such as "this is so lovely Harold" over and over), for Julie and I, we opted for an experience somewhere in the middle, diving into our "splurge budget" for a 3-day, 2-night jaunt of "Vietnamese luxury" through one of the more highly-rated operators in the region - Indochina Junk.

Not to be confused with the dozens of other companies with names encompassing a similar how-is-this-not-trademark-infringement variation (e.g. Indo-China Junk, Indochina Junk Cruises, Indochina Junk 2) -- A common trick used endlessly around the region -- The official company with which we booked lived up to every expectation. And while many would think having the term "junk" in one's official name would indicate a status of lesser quality, in actuality, it refers to the type of vessel on which the cruise takes place (nose pointed upwards, glasses tilted downwards, slight cough accentuated). Why junk though, you may ask? Hell if I know, nothing really translates very well over on this side of the world...

Joining us on our junk-but-not-that-type-of-junk cruise for the next 3 days would be the following, unique, makeup (actual names hidden for sarcastic slander-based purposes):

- Mr and Mrs Hoity McToitster - A retired Australian couple who happened to be on the slightly wealthier end of the spectrum. And by slightly, I mean extremely and overly-willing to share every detail in its regard. More on them to come shortly.

- Ozzy Fam - A mixture of two Australian families traveling together, encompassing over 1/2 the cruises "landloving" population with a total of 11 passengers (7 of which were children - thankfully of the well-behaved sort). Luckily for us, the parents were quite entertaining in their pursuit to drain the bar of all available beer/liquor (we estimated a 3-day/2-night tab around $1,000 -- Ours in comparison was $50)

- The Twins - A family of four from the UK, whose two identical twin teen sons may have smiled almost as often as they spoke (aka never). And that's about that on this overly-exciting group.

While our initial hopes of having multiple younger couples with which to become "buddy buddy" during our cruise were all but lost, we instead were treated to a nice preview of our lives to come, as sharing a small boat with 9 children of various ages is a perfect way to prepare for the inevitable outcome of a path along post-marriage maturity.

Onto the highlights:

- Mealtime (The Company) - With the Ozzy Fam taking up the larger center table, and The Twins at one of the two 4-person seating's, that left Julie and I conveniently paired up with Mr and Mrs Hoity McToitster for each and every one of our 7 meals onboard. While an extremely friendly and pleasant couple, it did not take long for stories of glitz and glamour to be shared our way. My two favorites/most-memorable were as follows:

• The ever-difficult decision of whether to drive to the Lakehouse upon arrival in Australia (which unfortunately has no wifi due to its horribly remote location on an immense plot of land), or just spend the evening at the condo, as it is a much shorter ride from the airport. Your typical 3rd world dilemma.
• Discussing the potential value of their home after learning of their neighbor's recent appraisal. As I cringed when an actual figure of $1.5M was stated (please don't say a number, please don't say a number, dammit she just said a ridiculous number), it was helped further to be explained how much nicer, AND updated, the Toitsters home is in comparison. Phew, I was worried there for a second.

- Mealtime (The Food) - The one beneficial aspect of listening to the details of another's overly-successful lifestyle, with only having to respond "oh, really?" as to promote a continuation of their stories, is that it gives plenty of time for one to devour whatever food may be sitting in front of their hungry pallet. And to be honest, there was no shortage of unbelievably delicious food served our way. With our smallest meal consisting of "only 11 courses, for which we apologize," each and every sitting was a culinary variety of everything mouth-watering Vietnam has to offer.

- "Beautiful" - Despite being extremely proficient in the English language, our Vietnamese "tour guide" had a slight disposition towards the over-utilization of the word beautiful. With a thesaurus full of potential synonyms, not one was used as a replacement for what would soon describe almost every single thing we did, ate, saw or dedicated our other numerous senses towards. "And now we eat our beautiful lunch on the beautiful boat in the beautiful Halong Bay." (And yes, this was a real sentence). Beautifully-said.

- Other Highlights - Beautiful kayak ride, beautiful cave dinner and our beautiful private beach for beautiful swim in beautiful water

Onto the pics:

	What better way to follow-up an evening Water Puppet Show in Hanoi then by seeing one only 12 hours later on our drive out to Halong Bay! Thankfully every act was exactly the same
	Beautiful Junk resting in beautiful bay
	Beautiful wife resting in beautiful room (yes, this will be a trend for the remaining photos I imagine)
	View from the top deck... it was... beautiful, would you say?
	A handful of the 1,600+ karst mountain islands
	Finally mastered the delay photo option on our GoPro
	Although every advertisement for Halong Bay cruises are full of images of sail-raised junks, in reality, most only raise them for about 3-4 photo-filled minutes
	"Off-roading" into some caves
	Julie's next Facebook profile picture I imagine
	Yeah, we fancy and whatnot
	I'm not sure if you refer to this as a "spring rolling lesson" or "spring roll rolling lesson" -- Either way, we officially are experts in the art
	Arriving to our "private beach"
	Please ignore the freakishness of my right arm
	1 of many Pina Coladas for Miss Moehlig
	A little perspective for the size of the karsts
	The infamous "cave dinner" known throughout the Trip Advisor world
	12 BBQ-filled courses of every meat imaginable
	Posing in front of the "food fixture" table
	And that would be a near-identical replica of our ship made out of a watermelon and carrots.. only took the chef 2 hours. Insane.
	When your arms are just too lazy to row...